| "Six months, and it starts to rain,"
thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or
learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And
there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the
Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.
"I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans
didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the
plans.
"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed
a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince the U.S. fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls.
But the wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen
carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each
kind. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that
I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plane. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the
equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many people I'm supposed
to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the
state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I
can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah
asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly "The government
already has."
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